Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
guys I’m going home
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
bad news gang
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder