Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“OMGJK” -atheists
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.