I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
This is not me but this is me
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.