You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
we all know this pain all too well
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock