Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor