in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
You Might Also Like
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok