Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?