therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
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I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!