*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
What is going on? 😅
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.