You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
The future is now.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”