nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
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[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
sleeping beauty
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35