[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
You Might Also Like
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I am a gravy boat captain
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.