Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I have obtained a hat
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.