Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.