[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.