[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I think my mom just blocked me
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Nice try Hitler