Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*