My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!