Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Home #decor warning.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Posting this on behalf of a friend
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles