I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
You Might Also Like
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*pokes sex life with a stick
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
sugar glider wrangler
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“i am a sweet baby”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that