When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
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Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
The honesty is refreshing
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math