My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
bias laundering edition
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.