Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.