It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
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date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.