Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth