Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
You Might Also Like
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table