*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!