You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.