It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
You deplete me
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*