I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Denise please return my vape pen
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.