Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
don’t we all
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
best review i’ve ever seen
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?