I swear some people should be banned from cooking
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]