the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Not all heroes wear capes…
kevin is now a local weatherman
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager