No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m listening
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?