I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.