No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
💯😂
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
i hope my email finds you on fire
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.