it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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me, too, girl. me, too.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*