YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
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Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
when you order from DoorDastardly
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining