waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Worth a try
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years