*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
he chose this
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?