Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?