Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.