They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
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Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*praying for world peace*
God:
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave