I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.