#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.