I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
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If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
spot the difference
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?