Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Meanwhile in Canada…
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.