Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
You Might Also Like
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
this independent good boy don’t need no human