Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
May have had one breakfast too many
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it