Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Every BBC series about the universe.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I feel this so hard
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?